Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I need an umbrella and a ladder

I've come to the grand conclusion that the last 3 years of my life have been the equivalent of one long day. Sure I've had a few moments that have stood out as exciting or horrible, but really, they have been pretty much the exact same shit on different days.

Now I realize that, as adults, our lives routinely take a turn to the predictable, but the fact is, I'm nearing 30 and we've pretty much been stagnant for the majority of our marriage.

The prozac comes in when you consider the fact that while I'm fully aware that our lives have become a mindless drone, I have zero motivation to change it. I want to change it, I just start to change things and get so depressed at the journey ahead that I roll over, pull the covers over my face and try to go back to sleep. Every time I start to get motivated to change my life, the little voice in the back of my head says "why bother".

I was talking with my co-worker today and the whole ttc thing has really gotten to me. I literally have lived my life in two week increments. 2ww to O, 2ww to flow. Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset. Next thing I turn around and it's 3 years already. It's esp painful to think that I teach 3 year olds. This year, I keep looking at my kids and thinking "our kids could have been almost this old". I look at my bf's kid (who was due days before I was due) and think "Our kid would be starting to crawl".

I’ve reached the point where I have firmly planted my ass on the sidelines.Family members have kids. Friends have kids. Internet friends have kids. Infertile internet friends have kids. I’ve been left behind by people who knew what it was like to be left behind.

I love my family here. I love our friends here (although we rarely see them). I love our town. I get to the point, though, when I start really thinking about it and I wonder if we should move to a state with mandated IF coverage. My insurance (and H's for that matter) has zero IF coverage. Nothing. Nada. They will dx the problem, but that is it. Everything else is OOP.

If someone could tell me that for 10k, i'd be promised a baby, i'd pay it. If someone would tell me for 15k, I'd be promised a baby, I'd pay it. However, someone would tell me for 10k, or 15k, I might have a baby, I can not rationalize it. I can't look at the odds and say "sure, we'll play".

I want a baby for myself, I want to make my husband a daddy, but moreover, I want to make my parents grandparents. I want to make them grandparents. What the fucking good is moving across the country so I can make them grandparents and then having all of the people important to me would be back here, across the god damn country?

It's so damn depressing I can't even wrap my mind around it. I start thinking about IF and ttc and being in a rut like I am/we are and I get so overwhelmed. Its like I'm at the bottom of some deep hole and I don't even have the motivation to look for the ladder.

I've literally reached the point where I don't even have sex with H. It's been over a month. Sex for me has lost the romantic aspect and has become more mechanical. We do it every other day when I am getting ready to o (or think I'm o'ing) and by the time that I've confirmed O, I'm sick of it. We've tried the candles, we've tried the massages, we've tried the porn and the toys....I just can't put sex in the romantic task category. It's function over fun.

I literally thought to myself the other day, “well, if I don’t have sex, than I can’t get my hopes up that this might be the month”. I’ve reached the fucking point in my life where I’d rather not have sex just to save myself another month of disappointment.

I have been thinking about the postcard I’d send in to post secret. I’ve thought about confessions of sins committed long ago. I’ve thought about confessing the secret hatred towards Styrofoam, slow drivers or people that leave their unwanted items on the candy display instead of putting them back or handing them to the cashier. The other day, as I crawled under the blankets after coming home from work, a single phrase crossed my mind. “I wake up each morning wondering if it will be the day that changes my life forever. I go to bed every night relieved it wasn’t.” So all of my whining about wanting a changed life, and I say this. I’m sure you are confused, but there’s a reason why I feel this way. What if I move to another city and my life is the same? What if we take that amazing cruise to the Caribbean, have a blast and come home to routine?

Am I in the bottom of this hole because of the three years of battling IF or is my three years of battling IF because I’ve crawled into the bottom of this hole? I think about Prozac and wonder if it’s going to be the kick in the ass to change my life or if it’s just going to mask the symptoms instead of curing the problem.

All I know is that I can’t stay in the bottom of this hole forever. The rain is starting to puddle and I’m afraid that eventually I won’t be able to swim.


  1. :( I love you and I know what that hole feels like. You've written a lot of things that I've felt and thought. Don't ever feel like you're alone in that hole (not that you ever would). Maybe we can yell for someone to send a bucket down with liquor and chocolate.

    You're awesome and if you need anything at all you know where to find me.

  2. i agree with Mrs. G. and she's right, you're not alone. i can't wait till it's our turn. thanks for posting this, made me feel less alone too.


    p.s - i'll take my bucket with chocolate and ice cream :)

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  4. There was a time when I could have written this post myself. But somewhere along the way you learn to cope and things do get better.