Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I need an umbrella and a ladder

I've come to the grand conclusion that the last 3 years of my life have been the equivalent of one long day. Sure I've had a few moments that have stood out as exciting or horrible, but really, they have been pretty much the exact same shit on different days.

Now I realize that, as adults, our lives routinely take a turn to the predictable, but the fact is, I'm nearing 30 and we've pretty much been stagnant for the majority of our marriage.

The prozac comes in when you consider the fact that while I'm fully aware that our lives have become a mindless drone, I have zero motivation to change it. I want to change it, I just start to change things and get so depressed at the journey ahead that I roll over, pull the covers over my face and try to go back to sleep. Every time I start to get motivated to change my life, the little voice in the back of my head says "why bother".

I was talking with my co-worker today and the whole ttc thing has really gotten to me. I literally have lived my life in two week increments. 2ww to O, 2ww to flow. Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset. Next thing I turn around and it's 3 years already. It's esp painful to think that I teach 3 year olds. This year, I keep looking at my kids and thinking "our kids could have been almost this old". I look at my bf's kid (who was due days before I was due) and think "Our kid would be starting to crawl".

I’ve reached the point where I have firmly planted my ass on the sidelines.Family members have kids. Friends have kids. Internet friends have kids. Infertile internet friends have kids. I’ve been left behind by people who knew what it was like to be left behind.

I love my family here. I love our friends here (although we rarely see them). I love our town. I get to the point, though, when I start really thinking about it and I wonder if we should move to a state with mandated IF coverage. My insurance (and H's for that matter) has zero IF coverage. Nothing. Nada. They will dx the problem, but that is it. Everything else is OOP.

If someone could tell me that for 10k, i'd be promised a baby, i'd pay it. If someone would tell me for 15k, I'd be promised a baby, I'd pay it. However, someone would tell me for 10k, or 15k, I might have a baby, I can not rationalize it. I can't look at the odds and say "sure, we'll play".

I want a baby for myself, I want to make my husband a daddy, but moreover, I want to make my parents grandparents. I want to make them grandparents. What the fucking good is moving across the country so I can make them grandparents and then having all of the people important to me would be back here, across the god damn country?

It's so damn depressing I can't even wrap my mind around it. I start thinking about IF and ttc and being in a rut like I am/we are and I get so overwhelmed. Its like I'm at the bottom of some deep hole and I don't even have the motivation to look for the ladder.

I've literally reached the point where I don't even have sex with H. It's been over a month. Sex for me has lost the romantic aspect and has become more mechanical. We do it every other day when I am getting ready to o (or think I'm o'ing) and by the time that I've confirmed O, I'm sick of it. We've tried the candles, we've tried the massages, we've tried the porn and the toys....I just can't put sex in the romantic task category. It's function over fun.

I literally thought to myself the other day, “well, if I don’t have sex, than I can’t get my hopes up that this might be the month”. I’ve reached the fucking point in my life where I’d rather not have sex just to save myself another month of disappointment.

I have been thinking about the postcard I’d send in to post secret. I’ve thought about confessions of sins committed long ago. I’ve thought about confessing the secret hatred towards Styrofoam, slow drivers or people that leave their unwanted items on the candy display instead of putting them back or handing them to the cashier. The other day, as I crawled under the blankets after coming home from work, a single phrase crossed my mind. “I wake up each morning wondering if it will be the day that changes my life forever. I go to bed every night relieved it wasn’t.” So all of my whining about wanting a changed life, and I say this. I’m sure you are confused, but there’s a reason why I feel this way. What if I move to another city and my life is the same? What if we take that amazing cruise to the Caribbean, have a blast and come home to routine?

Am I in the bottom of this hole because of the three years of battling IF or is my three years of battling IF because I’ve crawled into the bottom of this hole? I think about Prozac and wonder if it’s going to be the kick in the ass to change my life or if it’s just going to mask the symptoms instead of curing the problem.

All I know is that I can’t stay in the bottom of this hole forever. The rain is starting to puddle and I’m afraid that eventually I won’t be able to swim.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thanksgiving Thoughts

A) 200mg of soy and I think I cysted instead of O'ing. Fantstic. This means that this cycle could go on FOREVER.

B) My parents have not ceased to surprised me with the new and seemingly heartless comments they've made over the last 5 days.
My mom showed off pictures of my friends kids and commented to family about what adorable "pretend grandkids" she has.
My dad went to a class reunion tonight and talked about all of the awards--most successful--most grandkids--farthest travelled---most great grandkids. At this point, my mom interjected and asked "what about the award for no grandkids?"


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Keeping my siggy

Ok, lets get things straight off the bat. Cancer, disease, death, injury, illness---always very tragic. Any of these things happening to children, even more tragic. I recognize that sadness is all around us and when tragedies happen, lives are changed and touched by tragic events.

That being said, on the bump/nest/knot/whatever, tragedies occur at least once a week. Someone is getting divorced, someone is in a car accident, someone is dx with cancer, someone loses a family member, someone suffers a miscarriage and occasionally, someone loses a child.

Sometimes the world knows about the tragedies that occur, sometimes, the world doesn't. The difference being the popularity of the nestie and/or the vocal nature of the board. I mean, person has a m/c and the board organizes a gift and feels compelled to put a memorial in their signatures. The next person has a m/c and it is glossed over with "sorry, that sucks". I mean, "Baby for bunnies" fund?

My thoughts and prayers goes out to this particular mother in this case as the death of her child was very sudden and very sad. The loss for that particular family and friends must be large and very raw right now.

So, I guess I could say that while the tragic death of Christopher was/is very sad, I will be keeping my signature exactly as it is. I guess, in a way, I'm keeping my signature in honor of all of the loved ones ill/injured/lost on the nest that have been looked over and "forgotten".

Rest in peace Christopher and may your family find comfort in this horrific time.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

I have found a new obsession

is it weird that I enjoy using the treadmill?

It's all I think about.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

"Why I don't give a rats ass about you"

Ok, let's get some things straight.

You're nice enough. I'm sure you have lots of friends on here. You probably even have some pretty decent friends IRL. We've had our laughs and we've had our tears, but odds are, I only remember most of you because of your signature picture.


It's nothing personal, its just that for 95% of the nest population, I talk with you once a day. I laugh when you post a stupid picture of your kid/dog/husband. I take advantage of a great deal you link me to. I might even vote for someone you are whoring around on BOTB.

For the other 5%, we talk more than once a day. You are my friend on facebook. Some of you even have my cell number and I have yours. Why? Because you get it.

You've been there and you've done that. You laughed at people who buy the t-shirt because you know that getting "it" is so much more than the # of months you've been ttc. It's more than the label given to you by your Gyn because you're still not ku after 6 months. It's more than trying preseed, propping yourself with a sturdy towel and eating more pineapple than Don fucking Ho. (Side note, did you know Bette Midler is Hawaiian? Interesting).

So unless you really get why it's funny that a gyno gives you clomid before even doing an HSG or a SA, you don't understand. If you just show up on my doorstep and tell me how nervous you are because you are on month 11 and 2 days away from testing (but man, you feel SOOOOO sick to your stomach!!!) I'll laugh at you in the face.

I wouldn't storm into your house, demanding that you hug me and listen to me whine about my life. I wouldn't sit down at a table of you and your closest friends and demand that you all get excited about the fact that I finally ovulated. I wouldn't expect you to feel truly sorry about the fact that it's been 3 years and I'm still not pregnant. Why? Because you don't know me and I don't know you.

If you want support, introduce yourself. Get to know me. Get to know my friends.

If you want support, give support when I really need it the most.

If you want support because it's Tuesday and you've had a bad day? Get a fucking bra and leave me the hell alone.

CD 2

:sung to O'christmas tree:

Oh Menstrual Flow, Oh Menstrual Flow
How I wish that you would go
Oh Menstrual Flow, Oh Menstrual Flow
How I wish that you would go

You make me bitch and bleed and bloat
The bathroom looks as if I've killed a goat
Oh Menstrual Flow, Oh Menstrual Flow
How I wish that you would go

:sung to the tune of row row row your boat:
Cramp cramp cramp and bleed
from my ute-ter-us
How I, How I, How I hate when
I have to go through this.

Maybe this will be my new tradition, every month I start, I'll write a new song. At least some entertainment will come from all of this misery.